Archive for June, 2011

I know everyone has missed this regular feature.  I apologize for my laziness.  It won’t happen again.  Unless it does.

This week’s song is a reminder of how dope and hip Alison Gaylin really is.  My guess is that if Mr. Khalifa hadn’t written this song, Alison would’ve.  Because that’s how she rolls.  Up.  Or whatever.  (Awesome sidenote:  It appears that Mr. Khalifa is a frequent visitor to the Las Vegas tattoo shop Karen Olson writes about…)

If you hadn’t heard, Liquid Smoke comes out on August 1st.  Here are ten things you should know about it:

1.  It’s a book.  With pages and words and stuff.  No pictures, though.

2.  It’s the third in a series featuring San Diego P.I. Noah Braddock.  You can find the first two books here and here.

3.  I wrote it.  All by myself.

4.  It’s a mystery.

5.  People die.

6.  It will not make your steaks smell/taste better.

7. Studies show that reading a book makes you 91% sexier.

8.  There’s a good chance that this book might make some people angry.

9.  Gambling.  Death penalty.  Immigrant smuggling.

10.  The book is filled with money.*

If you don’t order it, you will only have yourself to blame.

Jeff

*Not every book will be filled with money.  In fact, none of them will be filled with money.

Oh My God I’m Rich!!!

Posted: June 20, 2011 in Books

You guys, I am so excited. I just found out I’m rich. I just got an email telling me that any financial worries I might’ve had can now be put to rest.  Take at look at my good luck:

Dear Friend, (it’s so nice of you to call me a friend when we’ve never even met before!!!)

With due respect, trust and humility (wow!  what an awesome guy!), I write you this proposal which I believe, would be of great interest to you and for your consideration, I also apologize for intruding into your private email address because I know that this e-mail will come to you as a surprise but however strange or surprising this contact might seem to you as we have not met personally or had any dealings in the past, to this infect, I humbly ask that you take due consideration of its importance.(well, yeah, it did sorta piss me off that you emailed me and I didn’t know who you were AT FIRST, but then you got all nice and apologetic and humble about it and well let’s face it – I’m a softy and love politeness!  Now it’s like we are old friends who drink together and share money and important personal data with one another!) Let me introduce myself, My name is Mr. Rees Vivian Paul, a former merchant in Tokyo , Japan.(I totally thought this was gonna say in Venice.  I would’ve been suspicious.  But Tokyo convinced me that you are legit.)I have been diagnosed with prostate and esophageal cancer. My diagnoses was given very late due to lack of symptoms.  (Wow.  That SUCKS.  So they just came on all of a sudden and you didn’t know and then, like, the first thing you did was email little ol’ me???  HONORED.  Also – your doctors suck at being doctors.)

I am currently living in London, England, where I have been given all possible treatment. (and the doctors apparently don’t know what cancer looks like) Unfortunately, my doctors have just confirmed that the treatment has been unsuccessful. (Wow.  That must’ve been awkward.  I hope you let them have it.)  I have been given only several weeks left to live according to these medical experts. (EXPERTS???  Dude, they didn’t know you had cancer in your throat and your rear end!)  I am searching for someone reliable and trustworthy that will use my fortune ($46,200 Million dollars) for the less privileged. (My fortune is at present held with a bank in the uk)  (Holy Crap.  Did you just say $46, 200 Million dollars???  I don’t even know how much that is but it sounds like more than the eleventy billion dollars my daughter offered me this morning if I would buy her Fruity Pebbles next time I go to the store.  YOU WIN!)

I am seeking a godly person whom is god fearing (it’s like you already know me) who will help me to utilize my money to fund churches, orphanages and widows, propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. (The ONLY things I love more than churches and orphanages are widows.  This is so fortuitous!)  The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth.I am intrested in donating some of the money to Port-au-Prince Haiti regarding the earthquake disaster that led over 174,000 people dead in Haiti Aceh province.  (I know you’re sick and all, but you should use spell-check when you send out emails about $46,200 Million dollars.  And okay I’m down with helping Haiti.)

I realise I making a bold decision. I have come to this conclusion as I do not have any children or relatives that will inherit my money.  (You’re alone?  That’s weird.  You seem so nice.  And I’ll bet you are a handsome devil.) I do not want this money to be used in an ungodly manner.I am not afraid of death as I know where I am going.  (Ha.  So do I.)  I ask you and your church/Mosque to pray for me because the lord is my shephard. (I don’t go to a church/Mosque, but occasionally I hit Dunkin’ Donuts on Sundays.  That cool?)  Hence, I am seeking a trust-worthy person who is able to help me carry out this great task. (PICK ME!!!) Now that my health has deteriorated I am unable do this my self anymore. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. (Totally.) Whoever wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful throughout your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or christian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.  (Dude, look.  I already told you I love orphans and churches and widows.  You can trust me.  I am ON IT.  Your $46, 200 Million dollars is safe with me.  I will build those churches for worship and I will build those castles for orphans and I will take care of those widows!!!  I’m thinking of taking them all on a cruise!!!)

I am hoping to hear from you. Please check youremail often as i will reply to you very fast.

Warm Greetings from,
Rees Vivian Paul

 

DON’T YOU WISH YOU WERE RICH LIKE ME???

What would you do with $46,200 Million dollars???

Jeff

 

So I’m thinking about getting a tattoo.  Maybe a giant bald eagle across my back.  Or maybe the woman on those truck mud flaps inked on each shoulder.  That would be so wrong awesome!

Anyway, the reason I’m bringing up fantastic tattoos I might get is because my former blogging mate Karen Olson has a new book out today.  Ink Flamingos. (See what she did there???  SO clever, that Karen!)  It’s the fourth book in her tattoo shop mystery series and it’s all kinds of awesome. I mean, it combines Las Vegas and tattoos.  What’s not to like???

Go buy it.  Right now.  Go ahead.  I’ll wait.  (Waiting.  Tapping foot.  Whistling.)  You bought it???  FANTASTIC!!!

Jeff

Hey.  It’s Friday.  You know what that means, right?

That’s right.  It’s time to listen to something awful that Alison Gaylin is probably listening to because she thinks it’s the opposite of awful.  Place your imaginary bets.

Today’s horrible song:  this freaking mess from NKOTBSB.  Wow.  That’s a lot of letters right there.  When I first heard that these guys were all combining to form a band made of super suck, I was LMFAO.  Also – they forgot a B.  Just sayin’.  And did that old BSB die or something?  Where is he???  BONUS PART OF VIDEO:  Dancing With The Used To Be/Never Were Stars!!!

Oh, and make my weekend and improve your life – pre-order LIQUID SMOKE!!!

Jeff