I am asked many questions frequently. Or, at least in my head, I am asked questions frequently. Or maybe that is just the voices. Sometimes it’s hard to tell. The voices can be loud and kinda pushy. Anyway, here are some questions that I may or may not be asked frequently:
Q: Is your book, like, a REAL book?
A: Yes. It’s totally real. It has words and everything. It’s very real. As is the pink elephant standing next to you. Watch out. It’s about to pee on you.
Q: Is your book any good?
A: No. It’s GREAT. It’s so GREAT you’ll probably want to quit your job and travel the world, telling people about it. If you wanna go to Mongolia, I’ll probably go with you. I’ve never been there and I hear they have great BBQ. And I hear they love great books. Like mine.
Q: Are you rich?
A: No. I’m Jeff. Pay attention.
Q: I have an idea for your books. Can I send it to you?
A: No. I’m already full of ideas. Those voices again…
Q: What is LIQUID SMOKE?
A: It’s smoke that is made of liquid. Duh.
Q: Why do you have such awesome hair?
A: (Blushes) You think?
Q: Are you going to write more Noah books?
A: Yes. Unless I don’t. But I will. Maybe.
Q: I heard you wrote a book called STAY AT HOME DEAD but you’re using a different name. Jeffrey Allen. What’s that all about?
A: Where did you hear that? Did you tap my phone? Because it’s true. Look for it in January. And stay off my phone.
Q: What’s the hardest part about being a writer?
A: Counting all of the money we make. (BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER) Kidding. Um, probably writing the very first word of the story.
Q: Did you always know you wanted to be a writer?
A: No. I always wanted to be a baseball player. But the Padres got a restraining order and it’s all awkward now.
Q: If you could give me one piece of advice about writing, what would it be?
A: Write. And don’t let pink elephants pee on you. Ever.
*It’s quite possible that I’ve never been asked any of these questions frequently and that’s why I answered them so poorly.