So as you are reading this, I am back at work.  My summer is over.  Lucky me.

But I didn’t want you to get bored today without me because I know how my absence will create a massive void in your Friday.

So…while you are waiting to order LIQUID SMOKE (what?  why are you waiting?  STOP WAITING.  NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM WAITING) here are a few places to check out today:

Do you know Chuck Wendig?  Why not?  People of the Internet, meet Chuck Wendig.

Oh, look.  There’s Keith Rawson.  You may not know this, but I’m his top Internet referrer.  I’m kind of important.

Over there, that’s Lorelei James.  She’s probably armed.  Be careful.  (Also – semi-nudity!)

See all those tattoos?  Ask Karen Olson about them.

Do you like mustaches and profanity?  Neil Smith has BOTH.

I don’t know The Bloggess, but I have a feeling we are going to be great friends.  Because I bought a metal chicken.

Dave White is a teacher, too, but because he is lazy, he doesn’t start school for like six more months or something.  Whatever.

Go forth and be friendly.

Do you know where I wish I was today?

Anywhere but Texas.

If you haven’t been following your crappy local newscast or The Weather Channel, it’s hot in Texas.  Not just hot.  But HOT.  Here, look I’ll show you.

I mean, do you SEE that?  It’s 99 and it’s not even noon.  And do you see what the rest of the week is supposed to be like?  Seriously.  My face may melt.

So I’d rather be anywhere than here.

Like San Diego so I could go here and drink this.  Or maybe go catch a loss here.  Or eat here.   Or buy this house.

Because I can’t think here.  It’s too hot.  I’m all sweaty.  (SEXY!)  I can’t work.  I can’t write.  I can’t move.  The heat is just sapping my strength.  And I’m a sunshine guy, but this is just stupid.  I’m starting to hate the sun and beg for snow and ice.

I need to escape!  (And, yes, I’m keenly aware that I just got back from vacation, but THAT DOESN’T MATTER RIGHT NOW!!!)

Tell me where to escape to.  Hurry.  Before my face melts.  No one needs to see that.

The following are the top ten lines (or groups of lines) from the forthcoming LIQUID SMOKE, as selected by a top-notch, blue ribbon, super intelligent panel of judges.  Namely, me and my cat.  His name is Piglet.

He looks capable, right?

Anyway, here you go:

10.  “Tell her I have a gun and I’m more than happy to use it,” she said.

9.  “Nothing is what a fat man leaves on his plate and what the ladies are yearning for when I’m done with them.”

8.  She smelled like strawberries and mint and everything else good.

7.  “It’s a scary place over there,” she said, still smiling.  “All those mean, nasty men.  I could get my sister to go with you.  She’s thirteen, but she’s tough.”

6.  “I wanna be black,” I said.  “So did Vanilla Ice,” Carter said.  “Let’s go.  Drop your money.”

5.  I swept the pitcher off the table, swiveled in the chair, and smashed the pitcher into Gus’s head. It disintegrated into a fine mist of water and glass when it hit his temple. His teeth snapped together like a bear trap, and he fell to the ground.

4.  “I went in to get something to eat,” he said, still staring at the door. “She came out of nowhere. Like a puff of smoke or something. Told me to get out. I was afraid she’d sic her flying monkeys on me if I didn’t.”

3.  As the rain picked up, I stood. I opened my hand, and it looked to me like some of the dirt had disappeared. It had probably just slipped out of my hand, but I liked the idea that it had forced its way into my skin, into my veins, and into my soul to stay with me forever.

2.  His voice had dropped an octave, like someone had poured sawdust down his throat. His eyes had hollowed out. And I finally saw the man that everyone had talked about. The thug, the killer, the man who belonged on death row.

1.  I stepped off the patio and headed for the car, leaving the remains of my life behind.

Are you excited??? YES YOU ARE!!!