I Found A Cheeseburger. At A Car Wash.

On By jeffshelby8 Comments

When you go on vacation, you expect to find things you don’t expect to find, things that you’ll forever associate with the place you’ve visited.  Maybe an experience or the place you stayed or the people you met.

Last week, I found a cheeseburger.

Not just any cheeseburger mind you.  A CHEESEBURGER.

Now, in my life, I’ve consumed hundreds of cheeseburgers.  Maybe thousands.  I don’t know.  I should’ve kept a running chart or something.  But let’s just say I’ve eaten a LOT.  And there are many that have been memorable.  There is a small chain here in the DFW area called Jake’s that does an amazing cheeseburger on a poppy seed bun.  Delish.  There is a small chain in Colorado Springs named Conway’s Red Top that was featured in Fast Food Nation and it is terrific.  The growing by the day Five Guys is pretty darn good.  And my old standby, which recently arrived in Texas, has always been the Double Double at In-N-Out.

But while in Florida the past few days, I discovered something called Tops.

I almost missed it.  Because it’s attached to a car wash.  That’s right.  A car wash.  A tiny sliver of a building attached to a do it yourself car wash.

We joked about it as we drove by, but then decided we had to stop on our way back because, really, how many times in life do you get to eat a cheeseburger at the same time that you shop vac your car???

The menu is pretty simple.  We just ordered one because our expectations were pretty low.  Because it was attached to a car wash.  Cheeseburger with ketchup, mayo and pickles.  Some tots and a drink.  Would make for a nice laugh later on to say we ate a burger at a car wash.  Did I mention it’s at a car wash?  (CLARIFICATION:  Tops and the car wash are not affiliated to my knowledge.  They just share space.  I didn’t use the car wash, so it’s quite possible that the car wash might be just as awesome as Tops, but I’m unqualified to make that judgement.)

It came wrapped in plain white paper, kind of greasy, but not overly so.  Cheese melted, bun toasted, condiments oozing out of the sides.  So I took a bite.

And, uh, HOLYCRAPTHATISAMAZINGCHEESEBURGERPLACEATACARWASH!

Seriously.  If you’d put a bow and a arrow to my head (I hate guns) at that moment, I would’ve told you it had moved to #1 on my list of cheeseburgers and that is no small feat.  It comes with a certificate and a trophy and a picture of me.  Perfectly cooked, just the right size, great taste, in my gut too fast.  We drove back in silence, stunned by the exquisiteness of the Tops cheeseburger.  It was, in fact, tops.  (HAHA SEE WHAT I DID THERE???  BECAUSE ITS CALLED TOPS!!! HAHA)

We went back two days later and got two more.  Just to be sure.

EVEN BETTER.

So what’s the moral of our story?

Never dismiss a cheeseburger simply because it might be cooked next to a place where you wash the bird crap off your car.

 

Location, Location, Location

On By jeffshelby3 Comments

So all of the Noah books take place in San Diego.  I was raised there and when I step off a plane there at Lindbergh Field, it still feels like home.  I wrote KILLER SWELL when I lived in Colorado and setting a book in San Diego was really a way for me to close my eyes and stay warm during the winter months.  It was easy to write about a place that I knew so well and had great affection for.  I also knew I could write about it and get the feel of the area across to the reader.

WICKED BREAK takes place there, as does LIQUID SMOKE.  Nothing in the story arcs necessitated me having to move the story.

The fourth book is a different story, though.  The events that take place in LS require me to move the setting to a new locale.  (This is me subtly spurring interest and forcing you to say to yourself “But WHAT events???  I MUST KNOW!!!  I BETTER BUY LIQUID SMOKE!!!)  I had originally settled on an international locale, but I never was fully convinced I could sell it to readers.  I didn’t think I could write about it in a realistic way and that worried me.  So I knew I needed to reconsider.

And now I’ve found my new location.

For the last few days, I’ve worked on the book.  From right here:

I’m not exactly sure of all of the details of the story yet.  I don’t outline.  It just sort of shows up in my head.  And I don’t have a title.

But I’ve found my location.

This Awesome Song Is Probably Not On Alison Gaylin’s iPod

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Do you see what I did there?  Up in the title?  I totally changed around what I normally do.  Do you get it?  Because the song today is awesome, Alison probably doesn’t have it on her iPod because her iPod is filled with bad songs.  Do you get it NOW?  I hope so.  Because it’s funny.  Trust me.

Anyway, today’s song is by Augustana.  Do you know Augustana?  If you don’t, I’d like to kick you and say “You should know Augustana.”  Because they are full of awesome.  They ooze it.  You will love them.  Do you hear me?  YOU WILL LOVE THEM.  Seriously.  The only way they could be any better is if they recorded a song called LIQUID SMOKE.

And maybe Alison will take my advice and download a cool song for once.

One Last Thank You

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I’d originally planned to write about something different today (stingrays?  Barbies?  best dinners on a Wednesday night?  you’ll never know!) but with the news earlier this week that Borders is closing it’s remaining stores, I changed my mind in order to share an experience I had in San Diego six years ago.

When KILLER SWELL came out in 2005, I spent a week out in Southern California doing book signings and promoting the book.  The novels take place in San Diego and I lived in SoCal for 26 years, so it was a natural fit – not only was there a local tie-in for the book, but I knew I could also draw decent crowds at signings.  Win, win.

All of the signings were scheduled for the independent stores in San Diego and Los Angeles, but during the day, I criss-crossed San Diego, Orange County and LA, signing every copy of the book I could find in the large chains.

There had been some confusion with the release date and many Barnes & Noble stores didn’t yet have the book.  There was a snafu within the complicated ordering system and many of the stores that had ordered the book had yet to receive it.  No one’s fault, but it was frustrating.

I’d spent the day hitting every B&N I could find in San Diego and I think I found four copies.  I was frustrated beyond belief.  I stopped at an In-N-Out in Mission Valley to grab a bite to eat before heading back to my buddy’s house in Fallbrook, tired, whiny, just pretty much done for the day.

Across the way from the In-N-Out was a Borders.

I sat at the outdoor table, eating, trying to talk myself into going into the store to see if they had any copies.  Somewhere between the last fry and the end of the neopolitan shake, I succeeded in convincing myself to go.

I walked in expecting nothing.

And instead, on the front table, I found about 20 copies of KILLER SWELL.  You couldn’t get in the store without tripping over them.

I stood there for a moment, stunned, for a couple of reasons.  One, I had never seen that many copies of the book in a store I wasn’t signing in.  And, two, I knew that my publisher had not paid for table space.  But yet my books were hogging the entire front table.

I went to the counter and introduced myself and before I could even ask if I could sign the books, the guy jumped around from behind the register, shook my hand and said “Oh my God.  Our manager is gonna freak that you’re here.  We all love your book!”

He ran to the back of the store and was back in thirty seconds with his manager and several other employees.  All introduced themselves to me and all had read the book.  The manager decided that it was going at the front of the store because he wanted “every single person in San Diego to read this book.”  He’d more or less forced the staff to read the book so that they could hand sell it to their customers.

They found a chair and had me sign the books right there in the front of the store, an impromptu signing.  We sold several copies of the book right then and there because the employees immediately set to work alerting customers in the store that I was there.  They had a ton of questions about the book and the characters and future books.  They were funny and smart and loved books and they made me feel like a rock star and I have never forgotten the 90 minutes I spent with them, a fantastic ending to what had otherwise been a crappy day.

When I saw the news that the remaining stores were closing, I thought of those people in that store.  They were people who took their jobs seriously and made a difference for authors who were lucky enough to find their books in their store.

And it just sucks that the pool of those kind of people – the people who literally help writers find readers – got significantly smaller this week.  It sucks that they lost their jobs and it sucks that they won’t be able to share their passion for books and reading with people who walk through the doors.  I feel for each and every one of them.

I thanked each of them about a hundred times that day before I left.  I just couldn’t believe what I’d walked into and it was hard to leave and I just wanted them to know how grateful I was.

And I just want to say thank you one more time.

Upon Further Review

On By jeffshelby3 Comments

So the last couple of weeks I’ve been posting the pre-publication reviews of LIQUID SMOKE, as we move a little closer to the book’s release date.  I know there are a few more in the pipeline that will probably pop up in the next couple of weeks, though I have no idea whether they’ll be positive or negative.  What I’ve seen so far has been very positive and that’s a great thing.

But do those reviews really mean anything?

Depends on what you want them to mean.

In version 1.o of my career (read: before I was dropped by a major publisher and endured a painful hiatus from publishing), I was convinced that the reviews would boost my sales.  All of the industry publications said many kind things about KILLER SWELL and WICKED BREAK, comparing me to bestselling writers and using all sorts of fancy words to describe the books.  Upon publication, I got a fair amount of attention from media outlets and again, the majority of the attention was positive.  I was ecstatic.  It was thrilling to see that people liked what I was writing.  It gave me confidence.  When WB was featured in Entertainment Weekly, I distinctly remember thinking “Okay.  My career is safe.  Entertainment Weekly likes me.”

Wrong.

As happens frequently in the publishing world, the great reviews weren’t enough to sustain the series at the time and I found myself in No Writer’s Land.  Critics approving of your work doesn’t always translate to sales and that was a tough thing to balance in my head.  It made no sense to me that everything I was reading was positive about my work….and yet I wasn’t being offered another contract.

Slow-Forward to today and version 2.0 of my career.  The two major industry pubs have come out with favorable reviews of LIQUID SMOKE and the blogoshere is warming to it as well.  (Gerald So posted an incredibly nice review on Friday.)  But I’m looking at these reviews from a different perspective than I did in 1.0.

In 1.0, I was certain that the reviews were going to give me a long and lasting career.  I was looking at them from a business perspective, as if each review was promising me another book or another year in the business.  That left me extremely frustrated and disappointed.

In 2.0, I’m simply happy that people like my work.  These reviews are really just for me.  I’m glad people are reading the book and liking it.  I’m not counting on the reviews to do anything other than make me smile.  It’s validation for me that my belief that I’ve written a book that people would like was correct.  Will the positive reviews translate to sales?  I have no idea.  I hope so.

But right now, I’m just pleased that people seem to like the book.  And that’s enough for now.

Until I hit The List…

This Horrible Song Is Probably On Alison Gaylin’s iPod

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Remember when I told you I was never going to miss another Friday?  And then do you remember I told you I might?  Yes, you remember both?  Well then you are probably paying too much attention to this blog and should probably diversify your interests and improve the quality of your Internet reading.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure this horrible song is on Alison Gaylin’s iPod.  And the funny part is that it’s really not all that horrible.  And the video is quite spectacular.  Corey Feldman and Debbie Gibson will always interest me, but when you toss in Kenny G and Hanson, well that is just a fine way to kill a Friday morning.  MMMBOP!!!

Library Journal And I Are Totally Gonna Make Out

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Where have I been?  I don’t know.  Where have YOU been?  Don’t be so nosey, ‘kay?

Anyway, hey, guess what???  We found another great review for LIQUID SMOKE.  And the most amazing part:  I didn’t have to pay them to say all the nice words!

Library Journal says the following:

At the beginning of a bleak February in San Diego, Noah, an independent, surfer PI, is feeling fairly content; alas, his life is in tatters by the 28th. Shelby’s third entry (after Wicked Break) catches you from the first wave, when Noah learns his father, whom he has never met, is on San Quentin’s Death Row. After the woman who told Noah about his father turns up dead, Noah is compelled to pursue a past he’s always chosen to ignore. Soon Noah is crisscrossing San Diego’s inner realms, fighting with local casino thugs and trying not to panic Mexican immigrants in El Centro, who’d just as soon have him go away. Noah’s first-person narrative makes his confusion very personal, and the fear factor ratchets up with each chapter. With plenty of twists and a startling, compelling pace, this mystery will make readers hope Noah finds some justice in the bad set he’s inherited. Hard-boiled but not quite as noir as Don Winslow or Kem Nunn, Shelby’s book will appeal to Robert Crais fans for the sense of place and the lonely world the protagonists occupy.

Whoa.  You had me at “Shelby’s book will appeal to Robert Crais fans.”  Hey, Library Journal.  Come here so I can kiss  you on the mouth.

This Horrible Song Is Probably On Alison Gaylin’s iPod

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I know everyone has missed this regular feature.  I apologize for my laziness.  It won’t happen again.  Unless it does.

This week’s song is a reminder of how dope and hip Alison Gaylin really is.  My guess is that if Mr. Khalifa hadn’t written this song, Alison would’ve.  Because that’s how she rolls.  Up.  Or whatever.  (Awesome sidenote:  It appears that Mr. Khalifa is a frequent visitor to the Las Vegas tattoo shop Karen Olson writes about…)

Ten Things You Need To Know About Liquid Smoke

On By jeffshelby6 Comments

If you hadn’t heard, Liquid Smoke comes out on August 1st.  Here are ten things you should know about it:

1.  It’s a book.  With pages and words and stuff.  No pictures, though.

2.  It’s the third in a series featuring San Diego P.I. Noah Braddock.  You can find the first two books here and here.

3.  I wrote it.  All by myself.

4.  It’s a mystery.

5.  People die.

6.  It will not make your steaks smell/taste better.

7. Studies show that reading a book makes you 91% sexier.

8.  There’s a good chance that this book might make some people angry.

9.  Gambling.  Death penalty.  Immigrant smuggling.

10.  The book is filled with money.*

If you don’t order it, you will only have yourself to blame.

Jeff

*Not every book will be filled with money.  In fact, none of them will be filled with money.

Oh My God I’m Rich!!!

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You guys, I am so excited. I just found out I’m rich. I just got an email telling me that any financial worries I might’ve had can now be put to rest.  Take at look at my good luck:

Dear Friend, (it’s so nice of you to call me a friend when we’ve never even met before!!!)

With due respect, trust and humility (wow!  what an awesome guy!), I write you this proposal which I believe, would be of great interest to you and for your consideration, I also apologize for intruding into your private email address because I know that this e-mail will come to you as a surprise but however strange or surprising this contact might seem to you as we have not met personally or had any dealings in the past, to this infect, I humbly ask that you take due consideration of its importance.(well, yeah, it did sorta piss me off that you emailed me and I didn’t know who you were AT FIRST, but then you got all nice and apologetic and humble about it and well let’s face it – I’m a softy and love politeness!  Now it’s like we are old friends who drink together and share money and important personal data with one another!) Let me introduce myself, My name is Mr. Rees Vivian Paul, a former merchant in Tokyo , Japan.(I totally thought this was gonna say in Venice.  I would’ve been suspicious.  But Tokyo convinced me that you are legit.)I have been diagnosed with prostate and esophageal cancer. My diagnoses was given very late due to lack of symptoms.  (Wow.  That SUCKS.  So they just came on all of a sudden and you didn’t know and then, like, the first thing you did was email little ol’ me???  HONORED.  Also – your doctors suck at being doctors.)

I am currently living in London, England, where I have been given all possible treatment. (and the doctors apparently don’t know what cancer looks like) Unfortunately, my doctors have just confirmed that the treatment has been unsuccessful. (Wow.  That must’ve been awkward.  I hope you let them have it.)  I have been given only several weeks left to live according to these medical experts. (EXPERTS???  Dude, they didn’t know you had cancer in your throat and your rear end!)  I am searching for someone reliable and trustworthy that will use my fortune ($46,200 Million dollars) for the less privileged. (My fortune is at present held with a bank in the uk)  (Holy Crap.  Did you just say $46, 200 Million dollars???  I don’t even know how much that is but it sounds like more than the eleventy billion dollars my daughter offered me this morning if I would buy her Fruity Pebbles next time I go to the store.  YOU WIN!)

I am seeking a godly person whom is god fearing (it’s like you already know me) who will help me to utilize my money to fund churches, orphanages and widows, propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. (The ONLY things I love more than churches and orphanages are widows.  This is so fortuitous!)  The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth.I am intrested in donating some of the money to Port-au-Prince Haiti regarding the earthquake disaster that led over 174,000 people dead in Haiti Aceh province.  (I know you’re sick and all, but you should use spell-check when you send out emails about $46,200 Million dollars.  And okay I’m down with helping Haiti.)

I realise I making a bold decision. I have come to this conclusion as I do not have any children or relatives that will inherit my money.  (You’re alone?  That’s weird.  You seem so nice.  And I’ll bet you are a handsome devil.) I do not want this money to be used in an ungodly manner.I am not afraid of death as I know where I am going.  (Ha.  So do I.)  I ask you and your church/Mosque to pray for me because the lord is my shephard. (I don’t go to a church/Mosque, but occasionally I hit Dunkin’ Donuts on Sundays.  That cool?)  Hence, I am seeking a trust-worthy person who is able to help me carry out this great task. (PICK ME!!!) Now that my health has deteriorated I am unable do this my self anymore. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. (Totally.) Whoever wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful throughout your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or christian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.  (Dude, look.  I already told you I love orphans and churches and widows.  You can trust me.  I am ON IT.  Your $46, 200 Million dollars is safe with me.  I will build those churches for worship and I will build those castles for orphans and I will take care of those widows!!!  I’m thinking of taking them all on a cruise!!!)

I am hoping to hear from you. Please check youremail often as i will reply to you very fast.

Warm Greetings from,
Rees Vivian Paul

 

DON’T YOU WISH YOU WERE RICH LIKE ME???

What would you do with $46,200 Million dollars???

Jeff