Okay, this is gonna be quick because…um…well…because it’s the end of the first week of school and my brain is fried and I swear there is nothing left in my brain and HEY FRESHMAN WILL YOU PLEASE CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AND SIT DOWN???!!!

Whoa.  That was scary.  Sorry.

Anyway…today is your last chance to win a free copy of Liquid Smoke.  Wait, that doesn’t make sense.  It’s free because you win it.  That would be kinda funny if you won a copy and I charged you thirty seven bucks for it.  HAHA.

Seriously.  I’m fried.

Okay – today is your last chance to win a copy of Liquid Smoke.  Go on over to Facebook, like me and you’re in the drawing.  Winner(s) (what? there’s more than one?  MAYBE) will be announced right here on Monday.  So go like me.  RIGHT NOW.  (But, you know, just like me.  Don’t LIKE ME, like me, okay?  Then it’ll be all awkward and stuff and I won’t know what to say to you.)

Wow.  It’s Wednesday already.  That’s what happens when you are teaching America’s youth.  Time flies.  Because you are about to die from exhaustion.

But I digress…

First off, thank you to all those that went to the Facebook page and liked it or me or however you say it.  Very much appreciated and all of your names have been deposited in the cereal bowl.  Stay tuned…or tell more people to about it.  CHANGE THEIR LIVES.

Second, I’m not here today.  I’m actually over at Murder She Writes, courtesy of my pal Lori Armstrong, one of the best writers I know.  (Just don’t let her drag you into any drinking establishments.  Ever.  Nothing good will come of it.  Nothing.)  You’ll notice that the authors over there are significantly better looking than the one here. So I’m hoping a little bit of pretty wears off on me.  Anyway…I’m over there.  Come check out the joint and let’s hope I don’t embarrass myself.

Look, the title says it all and if I have to explain it to you, you might have trouble reading the book if I give it to you.

In my endless quest to overwhelm you with information about my favorite subject – ME! – I’ve set up a Facebook page.  Not a personal page, but an I’M AN IMPORTANT PERSON PAGE.  I’m going to use it to keep my fan(s) informed about reviews, new books, free books, my fluctuating weight and what my cat is doing.  It’s gonna be awesome.  Maybe.

Anyway, back to the free books.  I have books.  To give away.  And do you know what that means?  FREE STUFF FOR YOU, CHEAP PEOPLE.

Here’s what you need to do:

1.  Follow this link to the Facebook page.

2.  Look for the button next to my name with a thumb that says “Like.”

3.  Click on that button.

4.  Be wowed by our new relationship.  Revel in your worship of me.

5.  Be prepared to receive both relevant and irrelevant news related to my books, my writing and my cat.

6.  Continue wasting time on the Internet.

So that’s it.  That is ALL you have to do.  No heavy lifting.  Just go like my page and fill me with self-worth.

On Friday, I will take note of EVERYONE that has liked my page this week.  Mainly to send hate mail to those of you that didn’t and find out what your problem is.  If  you like the page, your name will be entered into this super cool magic deciding machine (read: cereal bowl) that will spit out TWO lucky winners who will receive signed copies of Liquid Smoke WAY BEFORE THE REST OF THE WORLD!!!

OMG HOW AWESOME IS YOUR MONDAY NOW???  You’re welcome.

Anyway.  Free books.

 

 

KILLER SWELL was published in 2005, which sorta feels like a lifetime ago.  But I can remember when I got my author copies – the UPS guy dropped them off and I literally sat down on the tile in the entryway, opened the box and looked through the books.  It was like Christmas.  But better.

WICKED BREAK was published 2006.  I took the box into the living room this time before I opened it.  My daughter had just turned three and she helped me open it.  She was more interested in the box.

Well, yesterday, guess what showed up at my door?

I opened them in the living room.  Then I just sat down with them for a minute, looking at the covers and paging thru them, not really looking for anything.  And I think this time was the best because the wait was so long and because I like this book so much.  Plus, they are so pretty!

I’ll be giving a few of these away in the next few weeks – stay tuned for info – but you can assure yourself of getting one by going here.

I am lazy and I am a procrastinator and I don’t always wanna write and I’ll come up with a myriad of reasons not to.

There.  I said it out loud.  I’m on a roll.  Here’s some more:

I’m not organized and I think what I write sucks and I lack motivation at times and I have no inspiration and I’m too busy to write today and and and and…

You get the picture.

If it were up to me, sometimes I think I’d never write.  I can come up with all kinds of excuses to not write.  As a matter of fact, I know plenty of writers who are the same way.

Fortunately, most of us have a cheerleader.

The cheerleader is the person who understands that while we may complain loudly, there is work to be done.  The cheerleader understands that the excuses are just excuses.  The cheerleader understands that writing can be lonely and isolating.  The cheerleader enjoys kicking us in the butt and saying “GET MOVING, YOU LAZY SLOTH!  THE BOOK WILL NOT WRITE ITSELF!  AND NO MATTER HOW AWFUL YOU THINK IT IS, IT WON’T BE THAT BAD AND I WILL BE HERE TO ENCOURAGE YOU WHEN YOU ARE DONE!”

Or something like that.

But we all have cheerleaders.

Mine lives in Minnesota.  She isn’t afraid to use her sharp tongue, isn’t afraid to speak her mind, isn’t afraid to tell me when I’m wrong, isn’t afraid to tell me to stop being lazy, isn’t afraid to mock me, isn’t afraid to push me, isn’t afraid to bribe me, isn’t afraid to leverage me, isn’t afraid to tell me to suck it up, isn’t afraid to roll her eyes at me, isn’t afraid to tell me I can do it, isn’t afraid to stare at me until I start writing, isn’t afraid to use sarcasm as a motivational tool, isn’t afraid to hug me, isn’t afraid to tell me she believes in me.  She gets it and she gets me.

Thank you, Beth.  I’d be lost without you.

Who is YOUR cheerleader?

I am asked many questions frequently.  Or, at least in my head, I am asked questions frequently.  Or maybe that is just the voices.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell.  The voices can be loud and kinda pushy.  Anyway, here are some questions that I may or may not be asked frequently:

Q: Is your book, like, a REAL book?

A:  Yes.  It’s totally real.  It has words and everything.  It’s very real.  As is the pink elephant standing next to you.  Watch out.  It’s about to pee on you.

Q:  Is your book any good?

A:  No.  It’s GREAT.  It’s so GREAT you’ll probably want to quit your job and travel the world, telling people about it.  If you wanna go to Mongolia, I’ll probably go with you.  I’ve never been there and I hear they have great BBQ.  And I hear they love great books.  Like mine.

Q:  Are you rich?

A:  No.  I’m Jeff.  Pay attention.

Q:  I have an idea for your books.  Can I send it to you?

A:  No.  I’m already full of ideas.  Those voices again…

Q:  What is LIQUID SMOKE?

A:  It’s smoke that is made of liquid.  Duh.

Q:  Why do you have such awesome hair?

A:  (Blushes)  You think?

Q:  Are you going to write more Noah books?

A:  Yes.  Unless I don’t.  But I will.  Maybe.

Q:  I heard you wrote a book called STAY AT HOME DEAD but you’re using a different name.  Jeffrey Allen.  What’s that all about?

A:  Where did you hear that?  Did you tap my phone?  Because it’s true.  Look for it in January.  And stay off my phone.

Q:  What’s the hardest part about being a writer?

A:  Counting all of the money we make.  (BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER)  Kidding.  Um, probably writing the very first word of the story.

Q: Did you always know you wanted to be a writer?

A:  No.  I always wanted to be a baseball player.  But the Padres got a restraining order and it’s all awkward now.

Q: If you could give me one piece of advice about writing, what would it be?

A:  Write.  And don’t let pink elephants pee on you.  Ever.

*It’s quite possible that I’ve never been asked any of these questions frequently and that’s why I answered them so poorly.

So as you are reading this, I am back at work.  My summer is over.  Lucky me.

But I didn’t want you to get bored today without me because I know how my absence will create a massive void in your Friday.

So…while you are waiting to order LIQUID SMOKE (what?  why are you waiting?  STOP WAITING.  NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM WAITING) here are a few places to check out today:

Do you know Chuck Wendig?  Why not?  People of the Internet, meet Chuck Wendig.

Oh, look.  There’s Keith Rawson.  You may not know this, but I’m his top Internet referrer.  I’m kind of important.

Over there, that’s Lorelei James.  She’s probably armed.  Be careful.  (Also – semi-nudity!)

See all those tattoos?  Ask Karen Olson about them.

Do you like mustaches and profanity?  Neil Smith has BOTH.

I don’t know The Bloggess, but I have a feeling we are going to be great friends.  Because I bought a metal chicken.

Dave White is a teacher, too, but because he is lazy, he doesn’t start school for like six more months or something.  Whatever.

Go forth and be friendly.

Do you know where I wish I was today?

Anywhere but Texas.

If you haven’t been following your crappy local newscast or The Weather Channel, it’s hot in Texas.  Not just hot.  But HOT.  Here, look I’ll show you.

I mean, do you SEE that?  It’s 99 and it’s not even noon.  And do you see what the rest of the week is supposed to be like?  Seriously.  My face may melt.

So I’d rather be anywhere than here.

Like San Diego so I could go here and drink this.  Or maybe go catch a loss here.  Or eat here.   Or buy this house.

Because I can’t think here.  It’s too hot.  I’m all sweaty.  (SEXY!)  I can’t work.  I can’t write.  I can’t move.  The heat is just sapping my strength.  And I’m a sunshine guy, but this is just stupid.  I’m starting to hate the sun and beg for snow and ice.

I need to escape!  (And, yes, I’m keenly aware that I just got back from vacation, but THAT DOESN’T MATTER RIGHT NOW!!!)

Tell me where to escape to.  Hurry.  Before my face melts.  No one needs to see that.

The following are the top ten lines (or groups of lines) from the forthcoming LIQUID SMOKE, as selected by a top-notch, blue ribbon, super intelligent panel of judges.  Namely, me and my cat.  His name is Piglet.

He looks capable, right?

Anyway, here you go:

10.  “Tell her I have a gun and I’m more than happy to use it,” she said.

9.  “Nothing is what a fat man leaves on his plate and what the ladies are yearning for when I’m done with them.”

8.  She smelled like strawberries and mint and everything else good.

7.  “It’s a scary place over there,” she said, still smiling.  “All those mean, nasty men.  I could get my sister to go with you.  She’s thirteen, but she’s tough.”

6.  “I wanna be black,” I said.  “So did Vanilla Ice,” Carter said.  “Let’s go.  Drop your money.”

5.  I swept the pitcher off the table, swiveled in the chair, and smashed the pitcher into Gus’s head. It disintegrated into a fine mist of water and glass when it hit his temple. His teeth snapped together like a bear trap, and he fell to the ground.

4.  “I went in to get something to eat,” he said, still staring at the door. “She came out of nowhere. Like a puff of smoke or something. Told me to get out. I was afraid she’d sic her flying monkeys on me if I didn’t.”

3.  As the rain picked up, I stood. I opened my hand, and it looked to me like some of the dirt had disappeared. It had probably just slipped out of my hand, but I liked the idea that it had forced its way into my skin, into my veins, and into my soul to stay with me forever.

2.  His voice had dropped an octave, like someone had poured sawdust down his throat. His eyes had hollowed out. And I finally saw the man that everyone had talked about. The thug, the killer, the man who belonged on death row.

1.  I stepped off the patio and headed for the car, leaving the remains of my life behind.

Are you excited??? YES YOU ARE!!!

I’m kinda pissed at Sara Gran.  She’s about to royally screw up my weekend.

I’ve got a ton of crap to do, okay?  Work on the novels (there seems to be this deadline staring me in the face whose gaze I keep avoiding), prepare for upcoming school year (who ate my summer?), learn Chinese (not really), scour the Internets for more awesome reviews of LIQUID SMOKE (oh lookee! I found one!), clean the house (hahahahah yeah right), sunbathe (during the middle of the night because it’s supposed to 152 degrees during the days) and unpack from my vacation (or just throw it all in the car and leave again).  I.  Am.  Busy.  But it appears as if Sara doesn’t care.

Now, I’ve never met her and she seems like a lovely woman from what I’ve read about her.  I heard lots of great things about Dope and Come Closer, but I never got a chance to read either because, you know, life and stuff.  So I’m sure she’s not trying to screw up my weekend on purpose.

But while I was on vacation last week, I happened across an interview she did with CNN.  In fact, I read it the day after leaving New Orleans, where I spent the first two days of my trip.  I was all like “Oh!  Wow!  Sara Gran wrote a book with a P.I. and I write books with a P.I. and she wrote a book set in New Orleans and I just left New Orleans!  We would probably be great friends!  Or awkward acquaintances!”  Anyway, after reading the interview, I was intrigued by what I’d read about her new book, Claire DeWitt and the City of the Dead.  So I went to that big book seller on the Internet and discovered I could read the first few pages right then and there.

And…wow.  It doesn’t suck.  At all.  In fact, it’s kind of futhermuckin’ awesome.  So unsucky and awesome that I was forced to download it to that reading device I seem to be using a whole lot more these days.  And now I can’t put it down.

And now NOTHING is going to get done this weekend because I’m going to be spending the entire weekend reading Claire DeWitt and the City of the Dead and reveling in it’s awesomeness.  THANKS ALOT, SARA!!!

If you’d like to screw up YOUR weekend, I highly recommend checking the book out.